Butterflies Gone By

Is it too much to ask for magic? Am I too old to be expecting butterflies anymore? Have I lost the innocence and naivety needed to feel infatuation again? As I lie in bed next to Mr. Perfectforme, I inevitably feel the sneaking snake of doubt come creeping into my mind. I feel guilt for feeling doubt because I should be letting myself go, falling in love, head spinning. But I'm not. I'm thinking of dishes in the sink, presents to be wrapped, e-mails to reply to. When I roll over and sees his amazing baby blues staring at me, I don't get flutters and flickers. Instead, my mind floats back to another time, another place, another set of arms which, when wrapped among, gave me the flutters and flickers. I miss those arms and those feelings. I would give anything to have one more night in those arms, the butterflies flying crazy inside of me.

'Tis the Season for Love

'Tis the season for love and this is one of my favorite little holiday songs to celebrate having someone to smile about this Christmas.

Love and Merry Christmas!

Song: 30 Days by Never Shout Never!

Laying With the Wrong Person

The only way that this will work is if I keep you at bay; don’t let you get inside the wounded, bruised mess that is my heart. When you talk--your words so void of the deepness that I long for--I realize that you are decidedly not the man I should be sleeping next to. I realize that I’ve made the biggest mistake of my life, again. But for whatever reason—your smile, your eyes, your smell—-I can’t bring myself to do the right thing. Just tell you that I am not into this, that you are not what I need right now. Instead, I continue to let you think, believe, feel, get attached. What am I supposed to do? Crawl back to my own bed, alone, cold, unwanted? I’d rather keep you distant but right next to me. Keep the ideal you—-the one I was praying that you would turn into when we met-—in my thoughts and in my mind. Does this make me desperate, shallow, cruel? I’d rather lay with the wrong person knowingly than spend another night alone. I’m a mess of miscalculations and misreadings, but does that mean that I should go back to alone? A brave person would come clean, would admit to only needing you for your embrace. But brave I am not. I am afraid. I am weak-kneed. I am terrified to wake up and realize that I am totally, utterly and completely alone. So I keep you at bay, all the while knowing that you are falling and falling and that I am just waiting for the right moment to slip out into the night, away from you and the bucket of emotions you are poised to pour on me.

Unrequited Love

I can’t help it that I don’t feel that way
When I look at you.
I can’t help it that you do.
From the beginning I knew
This was all wrong.
I didn’t feel the ache for you.
Food tasted normal,
Birds sounded the same,
The sky was plain old blue.
But I needed it to be so badly
That I kept on.
I let it go.
I held you back.
All the while knowing that
I would never dream of you
Or feel that way when I look at you.



Image: WeHeartIt.com

Your Light For Me

Would you mind if I sat a while with you?
No words. No fuss.
I just want to sit in your warmth,
Feel your breath,
And share in your light.
The crazy day keeps knocking on my door,
Begging me to come out from under these sheets.
But you’re too good to pass up
And the day can wait.
I’m happy with you,
Happy enough to forget all about
The clouds that were settling in
Just before you lit up my life,
Bright and sunny for the world to see.

Learning to Say I Love You Again

I don’t know what your middle name is
Or if you went to the prom or not.
I don’t know your favorite color
And if you wear that color everyday.
I don’t know your music
Or if you like gel or paste toothpaste.
I don’t know when you were born or where,
How you got to be here or there.

I don’t know if you like The Beatles
Or D.H. Lawrence
Or hot dogs.
I don’t know what your mom does
Or how many times you’ve been to Disney.
I don’t know anything about you
Except that when you walk into the room,
Something happens to me.
Something that makes me believe again.
Something that makes me want to
Put my heart out there again.
Something that makes me want to
learn to say “I love you” again.

Feeling Like This

Sometimes it's so easy to get lost
In the busy days, nights, in betweens,
That I lose track of the fact that
I've been missing this in my life.
But when I see you,
I get those old feelings
That make me realize
How much I've missed feeling like this.